Should I Break Up with My Partner? A Step-by-Step Guide

‘Should I break up with my partner?’ is never a question anyone wants to ask, alas, not all relationships have happy endings. Don’t beat yourself up if you’ve occasionally wondered if you and your significant other shouldn’t be together – even the happiest of relationships have their low points. But if you’re asking yourself ‘should we break up?’ on a regular basis, it’s something worth considering.

In this article, we provide you with a comprehensive guide to help you navigate this difficult decision. We’ll walk you through the key steps to think about when deciding whether to break up, highlight a few signs you should break up, address common doubts, explore alternatives, and share tips for dealing with the aftermath if you choose to part ways.

Step 1: Recognize the signs you should break up

Relationships rarely implode overnight; if you’re asking yourself ‘should I break up with my partner?’ there’s probably a good reason why. Here are a few signs that your relationship is not a good one:

There are red flags

Is there a lack of trust in your relationship, either from your partner, or the other way around? Does your partner frequently disrespect you? Do they display toxic behaviors, like trying to control you, gaslight you, or manipulate you? With these red flags, the answer to ‘should I split up with my boyfriend/girlfriend?’ is absolutely yes.

Being with them doesn’t feel good

Relationships should make you feel happy, or at least content, most of the time. If yours causes you anxiety, or leaves you unhappy or resentful, then that’s a sign you shouldn’t be in it anymore.

The relationship dynamics just aren’t great

Unfortunately, the notion that love conquers all often occurs in fiction only. No matter how much you care for each other, it might not be enough to overcome basic incompatibility, poor communication, or unmet needs.

Step 2: Reflect on what you want out of the relationship

When it comes to relationships, what are dealbreakers for some people can be the exact opposite for others. So when you start asking how to know when it’s time to break up, it’s important to take the time to reflect on your own feelings and needs, and see if your relationship serves them. Three aspects to consider when it comes to ‘should I break up with my partner?’:

• Personal Growth: In good relationships, partners are supportive of each other’s growth. Do you feel supported in your relationship, or stagnant – or even held back? Is your partner someone you can see growing with over the next years and decades? If not, it’s probably good to reconsider the relationship no matter how good it is in other ways.
• Compatibility: At eharmony, we believe that compatibility is the cornerstone of a successful relationship. Do you and your partner share the same values and goals? How similar are your lifestyles? Does your plan for the future match your partner’s? If not, it could be an issue.
• Emotional and physical well-being: Put very simply: is your partner good for you? Or is being in this relationship a constant source of stress?

Step 3: Take a closer look at any doubts you may have

Sometimes, it’s clear when to break up with someone. Other times, it can be harder to convince yourself that you should. It’s okay to have doubts about your relationship; everyone does sometimes. It’s important to consider them carefully, and know they’re valid even if you do decide to stay in the end. Some common doubts you may have about whether breaking up with your girlfriend or boyfriend is a good idea include: 

A fear of being alone

We’ve been conditioned by the media and society to think that we’re failures if we’re not partnered, especially women. Additionally, studies show that loneliness can have a detrimental effect on mental health¹. This could mean you’re staying in a relationship that isn’t working for you, just because the alternative is far scarier.

Societal or peer pressure

While the stigma surrounding divorce has decreased drastically over the years, it still exists, especially if you’re part of a more conservative or religious community. If children are involved, you’re encouraged to stay with your partner even if the relationship isn’t great. Additionally, if the relationship looks good on the outside, you may may not feel like you can leave.

Practical considerations

The longer a relationship has gone on, the more entangled your life is with your partner’s. When breaking up involves splitting assets, figuring out shared custody and how to coparent, or managing the logistics of running a household… staying in a relationship can seem like the better idea. Additionally, some people simply may not be able to afford to leave their partner.

Nostalgia and good memories

Very few relationships start out being all bad. This is why many people stay – because the weight of the good times and the nostalgia outweighs the bad. If you do wind up leaving, it’s important to remember that it’s easy to look at the past with rose-colored glasses, and that there’s no point holding out for an impossibility.

Step 4: Things to try before breaking up

Okay. You’ve asked yourself, ‘Should I break up with my boyfriend/girlfriend’ and are leaning towards a ‘yes’ answer. Before pulling the trigger on your decision, you should make a serious attempt to fix things, assuming the relationship isn’t overly toxic and abusive.

Talking with your partner

Communication is the heart of a successful relationship for a reason. No matter how hard it is or how worried you are about having certain conversations, sitting down and talking with your partner about the problems in your relationship – or even your thought about breaking up – is a good idea. You may realize your relationship only needed a little more communication to work.

Couples counseling

Sometimes, a professional can see things that the two of you are unable to, even if you have the best intentions. Couples counseling can help by having an objective third party in the room to mediate any conflict and keep discussions productive and respectful. If you can afford to do individual therapy as well, all the better – most of us aren’t even aware of the ways our traumas, small or large, affect the way we currently act, especially in relationships.

Trial separation

The term ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ exists for a very good reason. Spending some time apart, regardless of whether you’re married or just dating, can give you both the breathing space you need to take a step back and see if this relationship is working for you or not. It doesn’t have to be very long – even a few weeks can lead to much-needed clarity.

Choosing a different relationship model

Sometimes the problem isn’t either of you, it’s the kind of relationship you’re in. Traditional monogamy works great for many people, but you and your partner may be better served by an open relationship or even polygamy. Love comes in many forms, after all.

Step 5: Finally decide whether it’s time to break up

As you can see from what you’ve read so far, the question of ‘should I break up with my partner?’ isn’t one that has a simple or an easy answer. In all honesty, it depends – both on you, and on the relationship you have with your partner.

It’s important not to be impulsive, but to take the time to think about whether the relationship is truly good for you and whether you’re really committed, or if you’re letting doubt and inertia keep you tapped. That said, there’s one situation where it’s always right to break up, and that’s if your partner is abusive to you in any way.

Start our “Should I break up with my boyfriend or girlfriend?” quiz

Ending a relationship is never easy, which is why most people find it very difficult to answer the question if they should break up. If you are also unsure, our “should I break up with my partner” quiz can give you an initial indication of whether your relationship still has a future or whether breaking up would be the right step.

Start quiz

1. 1/10 How happy are you in your relationship?

   • We have a few problems, but I’m basically happy with my partner.
   • Sometimes like this, sometimes like that – I remember the good moments, but they are few and far between at the moment.
   • I am very unhappy and hurt. It’s been a while since I last felt comfortable with my partner.

2. 2/10 What is currently bothering you most in your partnership?

   • A lot of little things annoy me. His disorganization, his constant lateness…
   • I feel like I always have to take the initiative – even when it comes to saving our relationship.
   • My partner deliberately hurts me, and he often reacts aggressively in arguments, which sometimes scares me.

3. 3/10 What do your conversations usually revolve around?

   • All kinds of things – we talk to each other a lot and often. We talk about serious topics as well as small everyday matters.
   • We used to be able to talk about everything, but lately it’s mostly been about the problems in our partnership. We share very few positive thoughts.
   • We hardly talk to each other anymore. If we do, then conflicts often arise from small things.

4. 4/10 Are you still physically close?

   • Even if not, everything runs smoothly, we try to consciously take time for intimacy.
   • In difficult times, we tend to be more distant from each other. But there are still hugs and small touches.
   • No, we haven’t made time for tenderness for a long time. I no longer feel physically attracted to my partner.

5. 5/10 Have you been actively working in recent months to turn the partnership around?

   • Yes, I really gave a lot.
   • Somewhat. Admittedly, I could have invested more.
   • To be honest, I wasn’t very motivated to work on the relationship. 

6. 6/10 Is your partner aware of your dissatisfaction and have you addressed the underlying problems?

   • We had a very open conversation about it and my partner was able to show understanding for many reasons.
   • Conversations about our relationship often end in arguments, so I tend to keep my feelings to myself.
   • I often talk about what bothers me, but my partner isn’t interested in my problems.

7. 7/10 How do you and your partner work together in everyday life?

   • We are usually a good team. We can rely on each other, even if we sometimes have different ideas about the right approach.
   • When we get together, we work well. But there’s a lot of friction that quickly distances us from each other again.
   • We have very different approaches and ideas about life, and this is often evident in everyday life.

8. 8/10 Have you ever experienced verbal or physical violence in your relationship?

   • No! Even if we were both very angry with each other, we could never hurt each other.
   • Verbal aggression or insults are common in our arguments, but neither of us would ever get physical.
   • During conflict, we often deliberately hurt each other – my partner and/or I have even slipped and been physical.

9. 9/10 Listen to yourself. Why are you still with your partner?

   • Because I still love my partner and believe we can overcome our challenges together.
   • Because we’ve already overcome a few hurdles together and I find it hard to let go of all the things we’ve experienced.
   • We have a house and children together – I don’t want to throw that away and start again from scratch.

10. 10/10 How does the thought of a breakup make you feel?

    • The thought makes me incredibly sad. My partner is simply part of my life.
    • Quite painful, but sometimes it feels like the only solution to our deadlocked situation.
    • A breakup would not be easy for me, but the thought also feels liberating.

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You can certainly still save your relationship

Even if it’s not all sunshine and roses in your relationship at the moment, things are looking good. Your answers show that you are able to talk to each other openly and show understanding for each other. And your feelings for each other still seem to be there. If you’re asking yourself, “should I break up with my partner”, the answer might be: not yet! Over the next few weeks, take more time for yourselves and work out together what could help you out of the relationship hole. You’ll then feel more harmony again.

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All is not lost – relationship break

There’s no question that your relationship could be more harmonious. Nevertheless, all is not lost. Perhaps taking a break in your relationship will help you both to realizewhat you value in each other, what you value in the relationship – and what you both don’t want to do without in your partnership. A break in the relationship can sometimes work wonders and a subsequent open conversation can provide a new boost. If you both agree that you want to give your relationship another chance, then it can work.

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You should consider a break-up

You haven’t felt comfortable in your relationship for a long time and have the feeling that your partner is sapping more of your strength than strengthening you. If you’re repeatedly wondering, “should I break up with my partner”, it might be time to make a decision—for yourself. Have a clarifying conversation with your partner and then pluck up the courage to think about yourself again. Breaking up is never easy, but sometimes there is simply nothing left to keep us in a relationship. Even if it is difficult, in a few weeks you will be grateful for your willpower. After all, you deserve to live a happy life!

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Step 6: Deal with the consequences of your actions

So now you’ve made your decision on whether to break up or stay together. Here are a few suggestions for what to do depending on your choice:

Option 1: You want to break up

Sometimes, the best thing you can do is end the relationship. However, knowing how to break up with someone in a way that’s both kind and respectful is crucial, especially if you share responsibilities like kids or pets. Additionally, make sure you have all your ducks in a row when it comes to paperwork, regardless of whether you were married or not. Splitting up is messy, and a little organization before the fact can make the aftermath a lot easier.

Even if you were the one to break things off, ending a relationship is hard. Be sure to take care of yourself. Lean on friends and family for support and spend some time focusing on yourself and your healing. If it’s feasible, you should consider going no contact with your ex for a while.

Option 2: You want to stay together

It’s totally okay to decide that you don’t want to break up. However, it’s important to try and identify the root causes of your dissatisfaction, and work on addressing them, both individually and as a couple. One way to do so is to make more of an effort to keep the lines of communication between you and your partner open. It might also be worth trying to recapture some of the magic of your early days together, whether that’s carving out more date nights, making an actual effort to flirt with each other, or seeing a couple’s therapist to help improve your current relationship.

It’s also important to remember that while you may have decided to continue the relationship for the moment, it doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind. Honestly, regularly asking yourself, ‘Should I break up with my partner?’ is a good way to check on your relationship’s health.

Every ending is a new beginning, too

Don’t feel guilty about wondering ‘should I break up with my partner?’ Regardless of what the media or society will tell you, not every relationship is meant to be, and that’s okay. It’s better to end a relationship that’s making you miserable than to continue on, hoping that things will change. We all have one life to live, after all, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting that life to be happy.

Once you’ve recovered from the end of your relationship, consider using eharmony to find your next partner – our unique Compatibility Matching System helps you find partners who share your values and want the same things from a relationship you do. Sign up and start looking for real love today.