Use Love Languages to Speak in a Way Your Partner Understands

What are love languages? Not Spanish, Italian or even French, romantic though they can be. Love languages are the different ways we like to receive and express love. Why are they important? Experts agree – consent, compromise and communication are the pillars of any relationship, with communication the most important. Understanding different types of love languages is a great shortcut to better communication. Let’s look at what love languages are, the different love languages, and how understanding love languages can help you improve your relationship.

What are love languages?

What exactly are love languages? Introduced by Dr Gary Chapman, a leading expert on romantic relationships, in his 1992 book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret To Love That Lasts, they are different ways people like to give and receive affection. While love languages are not the be-all and end-all of a successful relationship, understanding your and your partner’s love languages, and how to apply them, can reduce misunderstandings and make both of you feel loved in the way you want.

The 5 love languages

According to Dr Chapman, there are five principal love languages – words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, giving gifts, and physical touch.

Words of affirmation

For people with words of affirmation as their love language, spoken – or written – proof of your affection is what they crave. Someone for whom words of affirmation is the primary love language appreciates compliments, declarations of affection (“I love you”), verbal encouragement (“You got this!” or “I’m so proud of you!”), frequent texts or calls, or, if they’re on social media, interaction and engagement with their posts. Having these kinds of explicit verbal – or written – proofs of your feelings makes them feel seen and appreciated.

Quality time

Quality time is just what it sounds like – spending time together. While carving time out of your schedule to spend time with your partner is important in any relationship, for some, it’s essential. For people to whom quality time is key, it’s not so much the activity itself – you could be running errands or folding laundry together – as their partner being present in the moment with them that’s key – hence the ‘quality’ in ‘quality time’.

Acts of service

As the name suggests, acts of service are things you do for your partner. It doesn’t need to be grand gestures but rather everyday things that make their lives easier or less stressful. A person for whom acts of service is a love language desires that you do small things that make them feel loved and appreciated, such as helping with a chore, taking care of a small thing that’s bothering them, or doing something just to make them happy.

Giving gifts

This is probably the most misunderstood of the love languages. A person whose love language is gifts often doesn’t care about monetary value; the key, and what makes them feel valued, is the time, thought and effort put into the gift. Gifts from loved ones are both physical proof they matter to someone, but also a reminder that they were worth spending time, effort and money on. To this person, gifts – small or big – are a sign of love, care, and affection.

Physical touch

Someone whose love language is physical touch feels love through physical affection. While sexual intimacy – kissing, canoodling, sex – is a part of the equation, it’s not all or even most of it. Touch that is romantic but not sexual, like holding hands, cuddling, or even passing gestures of affection – touches to the hand or arm, or kisses on temples or cheeks – can work wonderfully to show a partner whose love language is physical touch that you love and appreciate them.

Love language	Definition
Words of affirmation	Compliments and other positive statements
Quality time	Doing activities together
Acts of service	Doing something for the other person
Giving gifts	Tangible or intangible presents
Physical touch	Sexual and non-sexual intimacy

How to determine someone’s love language

So now you know what a love language is, how do you find yours? It’s not uncommon to show love in a different way than you like to receive it, or for people to have more than one primary love language.

Introspection is key to figuring out what your love language is. Think back on past relationships: were there moments when your partner made you feel especially loved? How did they do it? With a compliment, a gift, something done for you? List all the instances you can remember and see how they correlate to the types of love language. Similarly, list the ways you like to show affection to people. Ask your partner to do the same, and see how your lists match up.

While love languages are not a panacea – fundamental disagreements can’t be solved just by switching to a different way of showing love – knowing your partner’s love language can be useful to connect. Being familiar with each other’s love languages can help you communicate effectively. Being aware of your partner’s love languages can make identifying red flags or an unhealthy relationship easier – if nothing you do pleases your partner, you know it’s time to go. Finally, having a love language to fall back on makes it easier for you to connect with your partner even when both your lives are very busy.

What if you have different love languages? It’s important to communicate with your partner in the love language that resonates most with them. To make it easier, here’s a list of examples:

Tips for words of affirmation

This is all about positive reinforcement. Be generous with your compliments – “that sweater looks great on you!” “your smile is amazing!” – and be sure to thank them when they do nice things for you. Another great way to please a partner who resonates with words of affirmation is to go old school – write them a sweet note and stick it in their bag, doodle on a Post-it note, or even write a love letter.

Tips for quality time

When it comes to quality time, it’s important not to fall into the trap of thinking just dates count. People who resonate with this love language want to spend time with you, whether it’s a romantic dinner or simply buying groceries together. Make sure to carve out time to be together, just the two of you. Other ways to spend some quality time together include tackling DIY projects, cooking a meal, or even exercising – and if you’re feeling daring, put your phones away.

Tips for acts of service

Hopefully, you already split domestic chores fairly – it’s key to a healthy relationship. Acts of service can include doing the dishes even though you already cooked, stopping by the store on your way home from work so your partner doesn’t have to do an extra grocery run, or making a repair so they don’t have to. If this is your partner’s love language, be sure you’re doing things that will make their life easier, not what you assume will be helpful.

Tips for giving gifts

Gifts seem easy but it’s more complicated – the best require thought and effort. They can be small, like buying a treat or bringing them flowers when they’ve had a bad day, or more extravagant, like an expensive dinner or present on their birthday. A great hack to make your gift-giving life easier? Keep a note on your phone of their likes, or things they’ve mentioned wanting.

Tips for physical touch

While sexual touch is great, there are other ways to show someone whose love language it is how much you care for them. Holding hands, cuddling on the couch, simply sleeping together, massages – all are great options for increasing the physical touch in your relationship. You might also consider activities that involve a lot of physical contact, like sharing a shower or bath, or dancing.

FAQ

How many love languages are there?

There are five love languages – words of affirmation, quality time, giving and receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. People may have different languages when it comes to giving and receiving love, or more than one love language.

Is your love language what you give or receive?

Love languages are both. It’s not uncommon for people to have different preferences for how they show affection versus how they receive it. For instance, someone might like showing their love via acts of service, but want their partner to offer words of affirmation.

What is the most popular love language?

There is no clear answer to that. According to a study by Chapman and Chapman¹, words of affirmation is the most common love language. Which makes sense – people like hearing that they’re loved and appreciated, after all. On the other hand, a study by Preply found that in the US, UK and Canada, quality time is the most popular to receive.²³

Can I have more than one love language?

Absolutely! While many people have a primary love language, it’s not uncommon to give and receive love in more than one way. What’s important is figuring out your love language and your partner’s and making it work for the both of you.

Keep your relationship alive with love languages

Love languages aren’t the be-all and end-all of a relationship. It’s entirely possible that some people may have different love languages entirely from what Dr Chapman came up with from his observations. Finally, sticking rigidly to a love language can close the door to other ways of bonding with your partner.

All of that said, when used wisely, the love language framework can help you figure out what you need and want in a relationship and whether those needs are being met. Used wisely, they can help strengthen a relationship and make everyone feel loved.