Polyamory: understanding the basics of this concept

You may have heard the word polyamory before, but weren’t sure what it means. That’s okay! At its most basic definition, polyamory is a relationship structure where the people involved engage in multiple consensual, non-monogamous relationships at once. As society grows more tolerant, polyamory has become more and more common – a study showed that 1 in 6 American adults expressed a desire to engage in polyamory, and 1 in 9 had actually done so at some point¹. In this article, we’ll look at what being polyamorous means, the different types of polyamory, and offer you some tips on navigating a polyamorous relationship.

What exactly is polyamory, anyway?

According to Merriam-Webster, polyamory is the state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time.

While at first glance polyamory might seem like it’s just casually dating multiple people, the reality is far more complex, not to mention cooler, than that. Polyamory is a relationship philosophy as well as a practice, solidly grounded in the idea of ethical non-monogamy. While the idea of ‘ethical non-monogamy’ might sound like an oxymoron, it really isn’t. At its core, ethical non-monogamy is being romantically involved with multiple people who are all aware of, and agree to, this relationship structure. As you can imagine, consent, openness, and honestly are all fundamental to successful polyamory, even more so than a traditional monogamous relationship. Polycules that aren’t open and honest with each other right from the start don’t have a very good chance of staying together long-term.

What is a polycule, you ask? According to PolyamPride.com, a polycule is ‘an umbrella term which describes a connected network of people and relationships, all of whom are in some way involved emotionally, sexually, or romantically with at least one other person within the polycule. Each polycule, or part within it, can have its own structures, boundaries, and connections.’ Essentially, they’re the opposite of mononormativity – there’s no expectation of exclusivity, although some groups within a polycule might form smaller relationship groups, like couples or throuples, within the larger polycule. By design, a polycule is loose and unstructured – it’s meant to change with the ebb and flow of the people within it.

Types of polyamory

Just as no two monogamous relationships are the same, there are plenty of different kinds of polyamorous relationships too. Options when it comes to polyamory include hierarchical polyamory (where there are primary and secondary partners), non-hierarchical polyamory (where everyone is equal), solo polyamory (multiple relationships but no commitment), parallel polyamory (relationships where people are aware of but have little or no contact with their partner’s other partner(s)), and relationship anarchy (a philosophy that encourages people to set their own relationship rules).

Another thing to keep in mind is that it’s common for different polyamorous relationships to have different levels of intensity, from just friends with benefits to kitchen table polyamory, where everyone gets along so well you could sit around a table and have a nice comfortable chat together.

The key here, as with all kinds of relationships, is to figure out what works for you.

What is the difference between polyamory and ethical non-monogamy?

Polyamory is a kind of ethical non-monogamy. While all polyamory is ethical non-monogamy, not all ethical non-monogamy is polyamory. Polyamory specifically means multiple loving relationships. On the other hand, ethical non-monogamy can be any kind of arrangement where people have multiple consensual romantic, sexual, and/or intimate connections. For instance, if Anna and Jim decide that they would like to have sex with people outside their committed relationship, that would qualify as ethical non-monogamy, not polyamory. If the arrangement expanded to being allowed to fall in love with other people, however, it would be polyamory.

What is the difference between polyamory and polygamy?

Polygamy is the practice of one person having multiple spouses, usually of the opposite sex – for instance, a man having many wives, or a woman having many husbands. For various reasons, men with multiple wives is the far more common form of polygamy, and continues to be practiced today, including in the United States and in several Muslim-majority countries.

Polyamory, on the other hand, is the practice of having multiple romantic relationships without the constraint of marriage, although there is nothing to say that these relationships cannot be committed, long-lasting and meaningful.

What is the difference between an open relationship and polyamory?

Although they might appear the same on the surface, open relationships and polyamory are actually quite different things. Both are forms of consensual non-monogamy, and technically polyamory could be considered a type of open relationship, but the expectations that come with each type of relationship are quite different. An open relationship involves one or both partners exploring sexual connections outside their primary relationship, whereas polyamory focuses on forming intimate and loving relationships with multiple people.

What is the difference between polyamory and swinging?

Swingers are established couples who like to have sex with other people, usually at parties. Swinging tends to be purely sexual with no expectation of commitment. As a general rule, swingers tend to keep their encounters to other established couples. With polyamory, on the other hand, it’s not uncommon at all for one person to have multiple relationships, some of which may be with other individuals, others with couples or even larger groupings. Additionally, swinging tends to be more of an event-based occurrence, with parties, while polyamory can cover all aspects of a person’s life.

Common misconceptions about polyamory

While polyamory is getting better known, there are unfortunately still a lot of myths and flat-out wrong assumptions made about it. In this section, we’ll take a look at some of the most frequent accusations that get leveled at anyone in a polyamorous relationship – that it’s cheating, an excuse for promiscuity, or happens because of a fear of commitment.

Polyamory is NOT cheating

One of the cornerstones of properly conducted polyamory? Consent. Which means that everyone involved knows what’s happening, and is okay with it. Someone who is committed to practicing polyamory in an ethical way will only look for partners outside their relationship if the partner in question is okay with it. Unfortunately, cheaters pretending to be polyamorous give the practice a bad name.

Polyamory is NOT just an excuse to be promiscuous

While polyamory can involve sex with many different people, it doesn’t mean anyone who is polyamorous is also promiscuous. Promiscuity isn’t just about casual sex; it also involves being careless and taking unnecessary risks – not getting tested, not being upfront about any conditions you may have or asking the other person for their information, not practicing safe sex, or not engaging in negotiations or at least discussing triggers beforehand. In fact, research shows that polyamorous people actually have lower rates of STI transmission than their monogamous counterparts²

Polyamory does NOT mean a lack of commitment

It’s true that polyamory doesn’t involve marriage vows, but that’s in large part because most countries don’t recognize marriages between more than two people. Polyamorous people are absolutely capable of being in long-term committed relationships… they just don’t see why they should have these relationships with just one person. There are several kinds of commitment in polyamorous relationships, from fluid bonding, to ceremonies that are emotionally if not legally binding, to shared properties and even offspring.

Benefits of polyamory

So, given all the pushback to being polyamorous, why might someone choose to have multiple relationships at once? It turns out that polyamory can have several benefits:

Polyamory improves your communication skills

Good, clear communication is the bedrock of any successful relationship, and that’s even more true if you’re polyamorous. Jealousy in polyamory can destroy not just the relationships involved but surrounding friendships as well, so it’s even more important to make sure you’re communicating with your partners, respecting boundaries, and setting and enforcing your own. Plus, good communication takes practice and polyamory gives you plenty of opportunities to do so.

Polyamory expands your support networks

One of the reasons people consider a romantic partner isolating you from friends and family to be a tactic of abuse? Human beings are, as a general rule, social creatures, and we draw strength and support from the people close to use. Polyamory increases the number of supportive people in our lives, plus having more than one concurrent romantic relationship going means that you still have support even if one of your partners is busy.

Polyamory lets you explore different aspects of your identity and sexuality

For some people, one romantic partner is all they’ll ever want or need. For others, polyamory means they don’t have to squash or suppress parts of themselves to conform to society’s ideas of happily ever after. Especially if your partner isn’t a perfect match for you in some ways – for instance, you might be kinkier than they are, or you may not want to completely give up same-sex partners even if you’re happy in your heterosexual relationship, or vice versa. Polyamory lets you and your partner satisfy your needs in a healthy and consensual way.

Polyamory helps you grow as a person

Let’s face it. Managing a monogamous relationship is hard enough – a polyamorous one, even more so. But exposure to more people, whether it’s your other partners, or your partner’s other partners, can be a great way of not only learning how to interact with people better, but also give you opportunities to learn and grow in ways you would not otherwise had.

Polyamory brings compersion into your life

Also known as sympathetic joy, compersion is the joy you feel when someone you love or care about is happy. In a healthy polyamorous relationship, your partner finding joy with other people will make you happy, too.

Where does polyamory stand, legally?

Although polyamory is gaining more acceptance, and relationships between three or more people are allowed in most parts of the world, as a general rule polygamy – marriages between more than two people – are prohibited in a majority of countries. Most of the countries that do allow polygamy are either Muslim-majority, or allow it only for their Muslim citizens.

That said, polyamory is broadly legal all over the world, and recently has started to have better legal standing, especially in the West, than it used to. Laws against adultery do exist, but they are rarely enforced. However, people in polyamorous relationships still face difficulties when it comes to custody, housing, and even morality clauses.

Efforts are ongoing to extend the protection of the law to polyamorous relationships as well – in 2011, the Supreme Court of British Columbia ruled that Canada’s anti-polygamy laws do not extend to polyamorous households. In 2017, John Alejandro Rodriguez, Victor Hugo Prada, and Manuel Jose Bermudez became Colombia’s first polyamorous family to have a legally recognized relationship, although it was not recognized as a full marriage. Some people have called for domestic partnership laws to extend to polyamorous couples, saying that the same protections should be extended to them as more traditional couples get.

So now you know what polyamory is… and you’d like to explore a polyamorous relationship for yourself. That’s great! You’ve already achieved the first step, which is figuring out that you don’t want a traditional monogamous relationship. Here are three things to do before you embark on your polyamory journey:

Do your research

Unless you grew up in a very specific environment, you probably don’t know all that much about polyamory. Luckily, there is a ton more information out there than there was even twenty years ago, both online and in books. A quick Google will get you access to everything from first-person testimonies of what it means to be polyamorous, to tips on how to practice safer sex while polyam. As for books, The Ethical Slut is a classic, but Polysecure is also a great option for anyone interested in non-monogamy.

Figure out what you want

Polyamory is more than a word; it’s a spectrum, and what it is looks different for every polyamorous person out there. You might want a stable, polyfidelitous triad, or you may be more comfortable being part of a loose polycule where the relationships shift and change easily. You may be looking for one or two serious, equally committed relationships, or you might be fine with one primary partner and a few secondary relationships on the side. Remember, there’s no ‘wrong’ way to do polyamory so long as everyone is aware of, and consents to what’s going on.

Find your people

Something close to 4-5% of Americans are polyamorous, meaning you have a surprisingly large dating pool! However, traditional dating apps can bring a lot of judgement and assumptions with them, which is why a polyam-specific, or at least a poly-friendly dating site is a great option. At eharmony, we welcome all kinds of relationships, and our Compatibility Matching System can help you find people who share not just your values, but your desire for polyamory.

Tips for anyone thinking of starting a polyamorous relationship:

• Be honest about being polyamorous right from the start. Yes, it will turn some people off, but those relationships were likely doomed anyway.
• Don’t date established couples, at least while you’re finding your feet. It can lead to an unhealthy power dynamic between the three of you.
• Always, always practice the safest sex you can, and make sure you all have a good idea of consent and boundaries before anything frisky happens.

Explore the beauty of polyamory

More and more people are coming to the realization that happily ever after doesn’t have to look the same for everyone. And while polyamorous relationships may seem new and unique, at heart, they’re just like any other relationship – they require care, consent, and communication to work. While consensual non-monogamy isn’t for everyone, it may be for you – and eharmony is a great place to find people who think the same way you do. We’ve got over twenty years of helping compatible people find real love together. Sign up for eharmony and take your first steps on the path to letting more real love into your life today.