Secure attachment style: does a happy childhood ensure a happy relationship?

Despite the name, a secure attachment style doesn’t have anything to do with DIY or construction. Attachment theory deals with the way human beings relate to each other. There are two major attachment styles – secure and insecure. Someone with a secure attachment style generally tends to have healthy, successful relationships, as it is the most stable kind of attachment.

In this article, we’ll look at what a secure attachment style is and what the benefits of one are. We’ll also look at how to cultivate a secure attachment style and offer you tips for dating someone who has this kind of style.

What is a secure attachment style?

Attachment theory was first proposed by researcher John Bowlby, and his work was expanded upon by Dr Mary Ainsworth and others. Bowlby, a disciple of Freud, first came up with attachment theory in the 1950s. He believed that relationships between infants and caretakers were a key determinant of how those children would be able to form attachments as adults. During the 1970s, Ainsworth conducted a series of experiments designed to explore the concept of attachment theory further. Her research found that there were three main styles of attachment, secure attachment style, anxious attachment style, and avoidant attachment style. Later, researchers Main and Solomon added a fourth attachment style, insecure-disorganized, to the list.

So what exactly is attachment theory? Simply put, attachment theory states that the relationships that we form with our caregivers in infancy and early childhood can have a life-long impact on us. They have an especially profound impact on our ability to form and maintain relationships with each other.

According to research, a secure attachment style is the most common, with a little over half of all children surveyed exhibiting this style¹. A child develops a secure attachment style when their caregivers are present, supportive and consistent. Generally, these are the conditions that lead to a secure attachment style:

• The child feels safe
• The child feels seen and known
• The child feels comforted, soothed, and reassured when the situation calls for it
• The child feels valued
• The child feels supported when they want to explore.

This sense of love and support often carries through to adulthood. Adults with a secure attachment style generally feel safe and confident in their relationships, and are able to regulate their emotions and set boundaries. They are able to communicate with their partners, be emotionally available, and balance independence and commitment.

How to identify someone with a secure attachment style

While people who have a secure attachment style aren’t perfect, they definitely have an easier time building and maintaining healthy relationships than people who have an insecure attachment style. Some of the characteristics of people who have a secure attachment style in relationships include:

• The ability to regulate emotions and feelings in a relationship, especially negative ones, thus offering greater emotional security
• Being strongly oriented towards having and achieving goals that don’t involve having a partner, or are just for you – even when you are in a relationship
• The ability to bond with people, including opening up to them even if it means being vulnerable, thus increasing trust in relationships
• Having a life outside of your relationship, and commitments to your work, your family, your friends, and your own hobbies and interests
• The ability to communicate your needs effectively and listen to your partner when they express their needs.
• The ability to respect your partner, even when both of you are different.
• If your needs conflict with your partner’s, the ability to find a solution that works for both of you rather than being dismissive of their needs
• The ability to actively seek emotional support from your partner when you need it rather than cutting yourself off. Conversely, the ability to be there for your partner when they need your support.
• Being comfortable with being dependent on your partner, just as they’re dependent on you, whether for material or emotional needs.
• The ability to be alone, as well as the willingness to use that time to explore your own hobbies and interests rather than needing attention and validation from a romantic partner
• The ability to be confident in the stability of the relationship, rather than constantly worry that your partner will abandon or cheat on you, or that you’re not good enough.

What are some of the benefits of being in a relationship with someone with a secure attachment style, or having a secure attachment style yourself? Regardless of what Hollywood will tell you, the key to a healthy relationship is stability, not drama, and someone with a secure attachment style is generally prone to more of the former than the latter. Some of the benefits of a secure attachment style include:

Strong communication skills and conflict resolution

One of the keys to a successful relationship? Effective communication. Generally, people with a secure attachment style are more willing to communicate with their partners. Even when conflicts arise, people with this attachment style are likelier to be able to keep any arguments respectful rather than lashing out. They’re also more willing to look for a solution that works for everyone.

A foundation of trust and emotional safety

Another key to a successful relationship? Trust. Since people with a secure attachment style grew up being able to count on their caretakers, they subconsciously extend this to their romantic partners as well. This baseline of trust means also means that it’s much easier for them to make said partners feel safe.

Greater relationship satisfaction and longevity

Research suggests that people with secure attachment styles tend to have longer, happier relationships.² Which makes sense, given that as a general rule, they prioritize healthy communication, offer support to their partners, and are willing to see their partner’s point of view when the situation calls for it.

A positive influence on your partner’s attachment style

If your own attachment style is one of the insecure ones, it can be really helpful to have a partner who can model a healthy relationship for you. While they shouldn’t be expected to “heal” you, a positive influence can go a long way in helping you figure out how to change for the better.

How to cultivate a secure attachment relationship

Luckily, even if you have an insecure attachment style, you can work towards cultivating a secure attachment style. And if you do have a secure attachment style, it can’t hurt to reinforce the healthy behavior that already comes naturally to you, especially if you’re dating someone who has an insecure attachment style.

Engage in open, honest communication

Communication is the bedrock of a successful relationship and that applies just as much when you want to cultivate a secure attachment style. Making yourself talk to your partner can be hard, and feel really daunting, but having those conversations will help prevent later fights and strengthen your connection with each other. It can be worth reading books on communication in relationships together, or seeing a mental health professional if you have access.

Build self-esteem and emotional independence

While a partner is a wonderful thing, your life shouldn’t revolve around them. Part of the foundation of a secure attachment style is knowing that you have intrinsic value outside of your partner and relationship. Once again, therapy or a good self-help book can help, both with boosting your self-esteem and with carving out your own life and identity. Your relationship will be better for it and so will your mental health.

Practice healthy conflict resolution

A relationship with zero conflict is vanishingly rare, so it’s important to learn how to disagree in a way that’s respectful, healthy, and productive. It’s important to remember that even when you’re fighting, you’re still on the same team, and being right isn’t as important as finding a solution that works for the both of you.

Encourage mutual trust through consistency and reliability

Trust is another key component of a relationship and many people with insecure attachment styles struggle with it. A great way to build trust with someone is to keep the promises that you make, no matter how small or silly they are. Another way you can deepen your trust in each other is to create routines – date nights, for instance, or traditions – that you consistently stick to.

Work on your mental health

While we talk about attachment styles in the context of relationships, at their heart, they’re a set of individual beliefs and behaviors. Regularly assessing yourself can help you identify areas you want to improve, and therapy, journaling, and self-reflection exercises are all great ways for you or your partner to do so, both individually and as a couple.

How to support your partner who has a secure attachment style

While people with secure attachment styles may have an easier time building and maintaining healthy relationships, that doesn’t mean that they don’t need help and support from their partners. Here are three ways you can support and nurture your partner if they have a secure attachment style:

Appreciate and reinforce their emotional security

Even the most self-assured person still appreciates a compliment, especially from a loved one. Make sure your partner understands how much you care about them. Make an effort to listen to them and speak their love language.

Encourage open communication and mutual respect

We’ve said it before; respect and communication are the cornerstones of a successful relationship. Even on bad days, it’s important to remember that you and your partner are on the same side, and talk through what’s worrying you.

Create an emotionally safe space for your partner

Showing vulnerability takes a lot of courage, not to mention strength. Encourage your partner to open up and be understanding when they admit to struggling – they need emotional availability from you, not just physical availability. Make sure they know they can come to you for comfort and support, just like you probably rely on them to be your anchor in times of trouble.

Build on your emotional base and make your relationship better

While having a secure attachment style does make it a little easier to be in a relationship, there’s still plenty of work to do if you want a happily ever after worth having. This is why it’s so important to make sure you appreciate your partner and the relationship you have.

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